i don't know what to write
i hate myself at this moment
the guy i am in love with
the guy i am crazy about
the one person who is the centre of my world
the man who makes me feel like a woman
the man i just can't throw the fuck out of my life even though i have always known
he is the guy who can never be mine 'coz he had always loved another..he never was over his first love

and now he is back with her
he taught me how to live
he taught me how to smile
he set me free
and yet today..when i know he has his life back
his smile back
his freedom back

i who should be happy for him smiling wishing that he never loses her again
and here i am jealous
dying with jealousy
all i feel is sorrow
defeat
hopelessness even though he had never given me a reason to hope..that i might someday be his life his smile his freedom
yet this great betrayer of all..this stupid stupid heart coudnt help falling for him
wishing dat one day i might...

Oh i don't know what i am writing or why
God i feel so...dead
i want to roll up into a ball and cry my heart out
and all i can do is smile and wish him and his lady love luck while she copy pastes their conversation to tell me how things are going now
God i..i don't know..what is next
can i continue to talk to him
torture myself like this
or can i really stay away
no i can't
so i'll go on taking anything he is ready to give me now
which is not much
i don't have a choice i am obsessed hopeless a beggar ..just lapping up the fungi infested crumbs he is throwing my way...
and may be i'll die one day from this infection

me

Everyone knows me as a sweet caring creature always ready to help others...my friends call me understanding, nice, cute, sweet,fun-loving, caring but you would be hard put to find someone who can look beyond the good girl facade..and sense the turbulence within




there are such dark depths lurking within me...meanness and bitchiness...greed and jealousy...passion and desires...hatred and sarcasm...all make one big uncontrollable torrend...

people who have known me all there lives would be shocked if they ever sensed what i have been hiding within...


but now i am bored of playing the good girl who is always there for everyone, who does all the right things...who is all mush

bah!!

me and mush...i hate nothing more than being treated as a kid all the time being pampered and flirted with and for exactly that reason i let people do it b'coz i hate it coz nothing turns me on more than hatred...

i let people think i don't see through all the big dramas of care they put up...and let them think they are making a fool of me...do i even care

they think i am dumb and an innocent babe just say a few sweet things and a couple of hugs and she'll be all there for you...


there is a madness in me...behind that cool formal exterior and sweet smile the monster keeps prancing about...its like another creature lives inside of me someone who is upto no good


i am who i am


with all my sins its the bare me


i am jealous of my best friend for her happiness

have detailed imaginations about killing people about hurting them till they would scream with pain beg to be released...aaah what sweet music to my ears it would be see them bowing before me and slithering on the floor like little insects dependent on my mercy


there none of them would be able to laugh at me behind there backs...make fun of my 'innocence' thinking they are too smart making a fool out of me without my even suspecting it

if i unleashed this power that is rearing to go within me none of them would be able to take advantage of me and my feelings laugh at the way i care about them and on what an idiot i am...guffaw at my stupidity of giving them the power to make me do anything hey want me to


i could make it all stop all the hurt and the pain and the frauds they put me through...

but then that woud take away all thats interesting in my life...all those chances to observe the different ways people find of hurting you all the games they play the different ways they try to defraud you...there would be no experiments left to conduct...naah i don't want to give up all that and have a life so boring...so i have learned to enjoy all the hurt and pain and now i am addicted...i go looking for new ways to get it...