i don't know what to write
i hate myself at this moment
the guy i am in love with
the guy i am crazy about
the one person who is the centre of my world
the man who makes me feel like a woman
the man i just can't throw the fuck out of my life even though i have always known
he is the guy who can never be mine 'coz he had always loved another..he never was over his first love

and now he is back with her
he taught me how to live
he taught me how to smile
he set me free
and yet today..when i know he has his life back
his smile back
his freedom back

i who should be happy for him smiling wishing that he never loses her again
and here i am jealous
dying with jealousy
all i feel is sorrow
defeat
hopelessness even though he had never given me a reason to hope..that i might someday be his life his smile his freedom
yet this great betrayer of all..this stupid stupid heart coudnt help falling for him
wishing dat one day i might...

Oh i don't know what i am writing or why
God i feel so...dead
i want to roll up into a ball and cry my heart out
and all i can do is smile and wish him and his lady love luck while she copy pastes their conversation to tell me how things are going now
God i..i don't know..what is next
can i continue to talk to him
torture myself like this
or can i really stay away
no i can't
so i'll go on taking anything he is ready to give me now
which is not much
i don't have a choice i am obsessed hopeless a beggar ..just lapping up the fungi infested crumbs he is throwing my way...
and may be i'll die one day from this infection